Quick and Dirty Guide to Disney for Childless 30 Somethings

Heaven or Hell? You decide.
Heaven or Hell? You decide.
Awwww. Look at these adorable nerds! (Liv, right, and Maloney, left.)
Awwww. Look at these adorable nerds! (Liv, R, and Maloney, L.)

The Traveler Broads are a bit split on the Disney question. Fender thinks it sounds like whatever circle of Hell children hopped up on meth and gummy bears end up in. Maloney, who is her own inner child, is much more pro Happiest Place on Earth. So pro, in fact, that she recently ventured to Disney World in beautiful Orlando, Florida for four days and had a totally fabulous time.  Here’s her guide to Disney for childless 30-somethings.

Get in the spirit! You will be tempted to fight your childish delight. Don’t. Wear matching shirts; be the dork with a fanny pack. Nobody cares. Everyone else is doing it, too.

Celebrate loudly. If it’s your birthday, your anniversary, your divorce, whatever tell everyone. Wear a pin. Tattoo it on your forehead. You will get free shit!

There’s an app for Disney. Download it and get familiar with it. You can get fast passes (aka, skip ride lines), make dinner reservations (the earlier you do the better — even weeks in advance), and get maps. The app also tells you current wait times for rides. Bonus: Any photos park photographers take of you show up almost immediately.

Don’t be a cheapskate. It’s not like you’re tucking money away for somebody’s college fund. Get the Park Hopper. Pay for the photo pass. Do the meal plan. It’s part of the experience, and when it’s all paid up before the trip you can relax and have fun with it. (And not think about all the money you’re blowing 😉

Skip the weekends. Do your research, and if you can, go during slow times, off season, non-holiday and midweek. Everything is more fun when you’re not in line.

BYO. You can bring food and drinks into the parks. Even though the food is excellent, bring some snacks and definitely water which you can refill at drinking fountains.

Harry Potter World, clearly badass.

Drink up while you can. There is no booze in the Magic Kingdom. Every other park has it, so plan to go on your hangover day.

Beware of Universal. Save one day for Universal Studios, but only do Harry Potter World and don’t eat there.

Screw it. Don’t read this list. Just take Maloney on your next Disney vacation as your personal guide.




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